WWCD?

Dave has a way of writing that rewards stupidity with condemnation. No one says “fuck you” with the same flair and extravagance as Dave. Dave sent me one of his famous (or infamous) letters of dissatisfaction. I have caught him in a lie in the very first sentence since he is prone to writing letters. All of the names have been changed to protect the inept.

On with the show!
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To Whom It May Concern:

I am not prone to writing letters to detail my dissatisfaction with service or products. Most people are well intentioned, but occasionally they do make mistakes. I generally accept that, from time to time, I will be dissatisfied with the service I receive, or the products I purchase or rent. In addition, it is difficult to find the time to formally voice these concerns. However, after my wedding party’s appalling experience with Jimmy’s Tuxedo Shop, I compelled to detail my frustrations here. The inexplicable poor training of your staff, and the product of their efforts demand that I inform your company representatives, and any would-be consumers of my exceptionally unpleasant experience

On Saturday February 10, fooled by the “100,000 nervous grooms” propaganda in your television commercials; my fiancé, two groomsmen, ring bearer, and I visited your store. We arranged for the nine tuxedos we would need for our March 28th wedding. Unfortunately, I thought “100,000 nervous grooms” advertising campaign indicated the groom would watch his nervousness melt away as your professional, highly trained staff made his tuxedo fitting process an enjoyable, comforting experience. Regrettably, that was not the case.

Enter Tiffany Jones, the friendly Jimmy’s Tuxedo Shop representative that would no doubt exceed my expectations, provide stellar service with a smile, and deliver the nine fitted tuxes for my wedding party. HA!! On this day, Tiffany’s hair was blonde. Tiffany Jones is a poorly trained, ditsy minion who tries to perform multiple tasks at once. I mention this, because her easy distraction led to many, many mistakes. Some of which were caught by various members of the wedding party, some of which were not. Did you know that a 69 pound 10 year-old boy, a 180 pound man, and a 300 pound man all wear a 44R jacket? Tiffany Jones does. We’ll come back to that.

My first surprise was that the groom’s tuxedo was not free. Although, when I telephoned the store, I was assured the groom received a free tuxedo, when five or more were paid for. With nine tuxes total, we clearly exceeded the required five. It turns out there’s an extra charge for shoes and another charge for a vest. What? I’ve worn a cummerbund before, which is precisely why I chose not to do so again. One has two choices, look stupid in a cummerbund or pay extra for a vest. Ok, fine. However, an extra charge for shoes seems … what’s the word I’m looking for…. ah yes, stupid. Ok, let me ask a question. How many formal barefoot weduns you been to? According to your website, Jimmy’s services Kansas and Utah, not Kentucky. Why in God’s green Earth would anyone rent a tuxedo without shoes? Add in the $7 sucker insurance charge, and PRESTO-CHANGO my free tuxedo costs $43.

After that dizzying Tiffany explanation, I was lucky enough to see her “inaction”. She measured the Junior Groomsman’s waist at 29”. This young man weighs 69 pounds and does not weigh enough to legally sit in the front seat of a car. We asked Tiffany Jones to measure again. She protested, but finally agreed. His waist was 23”. Boy howdy, them tape measures is sure dang complekated. From now on, let’s refer to Tiffany Jones as “the Genius”, shall we?

Later that week, one of my Best Men had the misfortune of being fitted by “the Genius”. He had to correct her measurements as well. On her computer, she entered his jacket size as 44R. Having viewed this interesting interpretation of how numbers work, he pointed out that measurement was incorrect. She measured again, and then entered his correct jacket size as 54R. How do you suppose a 44” jacket would have fit him? The Genius also informed him that this was her first wedding. WHAT?!!!! Her first wedding? Was it her first day on the job as well? Well isn’t that just fabulous? We get the bumpkin fresh off the turnip truck! Do you think we could’ve gotten an employee with a least one wedding under their belt? How about one with a week’s experience? Why do I have to train YOUR employees? What good is your company’s precious “30 years of experience” if your employee has no training, no guidance, no supervision and just yesterday was asking if “y’all want fries with that”?

We later found out that our Junior Groomsman was incorrectly fitted for his jacket as well. Gasp. Say it isn’t so! He and the ring bearer both attended the mandatory child re-fitting two weeks before the big day. According to the Genius, the Junior Groomsman’s jacket size was 44R. Gee, I wonder how that could have happened? It was requested that said Genius correct this error. Yeah sure, he’s wears a youth t-shirt and a 44” jacket. That sounds about right doesn’t it? SHE SMART. Our ringer bearer is two years old. We were told he needed to come in for a fitting four weeks before the wedding and then again two weeks prior. The educated Genius explained to me that the ring bearer would grow during the next few weeks, so he needed to be fitted twice. Seems she expected him to grow a lot in those four weeks. I suppose she was hoping he’d grow into a 44” jacket as well.

I picked up my haplessly prepared tuxedo on Friday, March 26th at 4PM. On this day the Genius’ hair was orangish-purple, and she repeatedly asked me my name while helping other customers. “What’s your name sir? Ok. Sure. Yep. Gott’em right here. What’s your name? Ok here’s that. There’s you receipt. Oh, what’s your name sir?” How many bong hits do we do before 4PM? After giving her my name three times, the Genius presented me with my tux, a dirty shirt, the wrong tie, and a blank stare. My white tie was unmistakably black. After I objected, the Genius asked “You didn’t order a black tie?” No, I didn’t. I ordered a white tie, to go with my white vest. Wouldn’t it look ridiculously stupid to wear a black tie with a white vest? It suddenly occurred to me how ludicrous it was to ask someone with orange-purple hair about which colors go best together. Then, I remembered the Genius saying that she put the black tie in the computer “just to get the style right” and promised to “fix it later”. Apparently, that detail slipped the mind of the multi-tasking Genius. Not a surprise seeing how her mind goes blank every 5 seconds.

I ventured into the dressing room, eager to see what size my jacket would be. As I tried feverishly to button the collar of my ill-fitting, dirty shirt, the ever resourceful Genius tossed a white tie over the dressing room door. She mentioned that she just took the tie off the mannequin. She also informed me that it was “a little dingy” and suggested that I should wash it at home on the gentle cycle. What?! You want me to wash my accessories, and then pay you for it? Anything else, I can do for you Genius? Perhaps I could gas-up your car, do your Christmas shopping, finish the kids’ homework, and then rub your feet while I’m at it!

To my shock and dismay, the shirt did not fit. Well, it did fit someone I’m sure, but it did not fit me. As you may have surmised, I was already angry, and did not need a tight collar to push even more blood to my already reddening face. When I mentioned the choke collar shirt, the Genius condescendingly informed me “they make collar extenders for that”. Well here’s a novel idea, after measuring my neck, why not supply a shirt with a collar size that matches my neck? Then there wouldn’t be a need for collar extenders, rubber bands, string, blank stares etc. More importantly the shirt was dirty. Well, perhaps the term dirty is incorrect. The shirt was stained, and worn, but professionally laundered. Ever heard of “ring around the collar”? I doubt the collar extender would remedy that. A worn out, stained shirt would look fabulous with my tuxedo don’t you think? After all, it was only for MY WEDDING! I understand that I am not first person to don these garments, but humor me and provide a shirt without evidence of the former occupant’s epidermal excretions, and a necktie free of mannequin sweat.

I considered the thought ditching the wrong tie and tainted shirt in favor of the t-shirt Miami Vice look. After brief consideration, I insisted on a clean shirt AND a non-dingy white tie. The Genius informed me that I would have to travel back to the store on Saturday to pick up the items. How wonderfully convenient … for her. Amazingly enough, my 44” jacket did fit. And the angels sing! The next day, I picked up the cleaner shirt and tie. The Store Manager Stacey Magoo refunded my 43 free tuxedo dollars. At last my free tuxedo was actually free. Well, free in terms of U.S. Dollars, but not free in the terms of the number brain cells killed when I repeatedly smacked the heel of palm against my forehead screaming “Stupid, stupid, stupid, you should have gone to the Men’s Wearhouse.”

On March 27th, the ring bearer, and his father picked up their tuxedos, and were forced to wait while the toddler’s pants were hemmed. Although, the patient child had endured two fittings, his pants were NOT hemmed before they were sent to the store. The ring bearer, and his Groomsman father missed the wedding rehearsal because they were forced to wait while the aforementioned pants were hemmed. Seeeeeeeeee, the wedding rehearsal was for the benefit of the ring bearer and the flower girl. As these two attendants were both two years old, we thought they would benefit from going though the motions a few times. As another event was scheduled, we only had an hour to rehearse our ceremony. As it turns out that’s not nearly enough time to hem pants. Then after waiting, and waiting, and missing the rehearsal, the hem came out anyway and had to be repaired with duct tape moments before the wedding. Yes, after two fittings the tux was sent unfitted. Then two members of the wedding party missed the rehearsal while the Jimmy’s cracker-jack staff “customized” the tuxedo. Then we had to fix it again anyway. So we get to hem our own pants, wash our own ties, check garments for stains, and instruct your employees regarding how many inches are in 44 inches. What exactly are we paying for?

I never imagined the groom would have to manage the process of providing correct measurements, delivering clean garments, and correct accessories. You imply your company eased the nerves of 100,000 grooms before me. I was supposed to be 100,001. Truth be told, I wasn’t nervous. I was embarrassed and enraged. Your website states that your customer satisfaction rate is 98.8%. Well SHAZAM! Is that out of 100%? For the record, I would like to make it clear that I was more than 1.2% dissatisfied. A lot more.

Perfect. Lie in your advertising. Sucker the wedding party into believing that Jimmy’s Tuxedo Shop will provide the goods and services they promise. Then deliver a shoddy product with an “I don’t care” attitude and laugh all the way the bank. Ha, ha, ha. Brilliant! What is the wedding party going to do when a poor product is delivered the day before the wedding? Go somewhere else? Yeah, let’s do that! That’ll show ‘em!! The day before the wedding, let’s get all nine attendants to hurry somewhere else get fitted again, pay the “rush charge”, and THEN try to get their money back from Jimmy’s. Pretty smart. The wedding party is out of luck. They shrug, knowing they’ve been screwed, and just get by with stained, ill-fitting tuxedos, hemmed with duct tape. Does that really fit your CEO’s ultimate goal of being “the best in formalwear”? Will the owner and founder, be as embarrassed by these events as I am?

So what am I supposed to do now? The wedding is over, and the tuxes are well on their way of being laundered, duct taped, and sent to other unsuspecting saps all over Kansas and Utah. What can I do? I’ll tell you. I can share my frustrations with you, and your other company representatives. If that doesn’t work, I will share this accurate account of my dealings with your company with everyone, and I mean everyone. I believe this information will be of great use to other perspective brides and grooms (via the short list of 57 wedding websites I have complied thus far.) With prom season just around the corner, our friends’ teenagers will certainly be happy to spread the word at their high schools. Also, I suspect this letter will be received, with great delight, by your competitors and peers.

Consumers have the right to make informed decisions don’t they? They should certainly be made aware of the vast array of dirty ill-fitting garments, the bumbling, inept fools at Jimmy’s Tuxedo Shop can provide.
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A few weeks later, every member of the wedding party got their money back and Tiffany “left” the company.